by Lexi Inks
Despite the fact that I’m a primarily a sex & relationships writer, I actually haven’t been sexually active in almost a year. Admittedly, the fact that I don’t leave my apartment has contributed to my long-term dry spell. The fact that I also dread modern dating could have some hand in it, as well. Regardless, this period of voluntary celibacy has actually been pretty enjoyable for me. I’ve been able to focus on myself and my goals, continue achieving in my career, and spend more quality time with my family and friends.
I may be feeling the benefits of being celibate myself, but the choice to cease sexual activity for a time can impact everyone differently — especially depending on their reasoning behind it. Aside from the common assumption of spiritual or religious convictions, “Others might decide to be celibate to focus on personal growth, health, or other areas of their lives,” says Dr. Jessica O’Reilly, a sex and relationships expert at Womanizer. “For some, celibacy is a way to reconnect with themselves without the distraction of (partnered) sexual activity and associated activities (e.g. dating). Others might be celibate as they heal from trauma, recover from a breakup, or simply because they’re not currently interested in sex.”
If you’re currently celibate or are considering it, it’s natural to wonder both how you can stick to your decision and how it might change your lifestyle. Ahead, Dr. O’Reilly explains how celibacy can affect your sex life, and ways to practice it with maximum benefits.
How can celibacy affect your sex life?
Making decisions about your sexual wellness and sexual behaviors can be a very personal process. Whether you’re stepping away from sex and dating while healing from trauma or simply needing a break, any reason leading you to that decision is valid. Similarly, the ways celibacy can affect your sex drive or alter your attitudes toward sex are going to be totally unique to your situation.
“For some, abstaining from sex can lead to a decrease in sexual desire over time, especially if sex is not something they miss or feel is important in their lives at that moment,” Dr. O’Reilly explains. “Conversely, some people find that their sex drive increases during periods of celibacy. The anticipation or the lack of sexual activity can make them more aware of their desires, which can heighten their arousal when they do decide to be sexually active again.”
If you’re feeling like you want to take a break from sex because you’ve been really active lately or recently went through a breakup, your libido may change in different ways than someone who became celibate because they weren’t enjoying their sex life or for spiritual reasons. Some folks who abstain from sex for a time may find themselves masturbating more often due to a spike in their sex drive. You may even feel turned off from the idea of sex after a few months once you’ve adjusted to being disconnected from it.
Dr. O’Reilly stresses that celibacy’s effects fully depend on your reasoning, desires, and the ways you still engage (or don’t) in exploring your sexuality during that time. No two people experience it in the same way. She also shares that a benefit of celibacy could be improvement in your ability to hone in on other aspirations and areas of your life. “Some people find that celibacy results in a clearer mind and more energy — not necessarily because sex itself takes up mental and physical energy, but because they simultaneously abstain from dating, which can be time and energy consuming,” she says. If your sex and dating life is causing your mind to drift off while you’re at work or impacting your pursuit of some important goals, you may want to consider stepping away from the apps or from scheduling new hookups for a while.
Can celibacy help a relationship?
Although it may seem counterintuitive, taking a break from sex can even have positive affects on your sexual relationships. If you and your partner seem to be falling into a stale routine in the bedroom, aren’t connecting as intimately as you’d like, or even if you just want to spice things up, Dr. O’Reilly shares that being celibate in a relationship may bring more power and passion down the line. Celibacy may cause “more intensity, excitement and pleasure when you eventually return to sex. Some couples will opt into celibacy for a period of time to build up sexual desire and passion,” she says.
As with any element of a partnership, communication is key, and Dr. O’Reilly mentions that being on the same page with your partner about the choice to abstain from sex for a while can help you reap the benefits later on. If one of you is going through a period of low libido and it’s starting to cause issues in your sexual connection, she explains that being temporarily celibate could be helpful. “You may find that you dedicate more time to other forms of intimacy and connection within the relationship,” she says. “Or you may find that a period of celibacy reignites desire, if you spend time building anticipation.”
What is the best way to practice celibacy?
I’ve found that, after 10 months of being celibate, I rarely think about sex anymore. I didn’t have major issues with sexual impulsivity or any sort of sexual addiction prior to this, thankfully, so it hasn’t been a struggle for me. This could also be due to losing my virginity later in life, so being sexually active hasn’t always been a thing for me. Nonetheless, I’ve found so many other ways to experience pleasure and fulfillment outside of sex.
If you’re apprehensive about celibacy or aren’t sure how to start, Dr. O’Reilly notes that being sexually satisfied isn’t one-size-fits-all, and that you don’t need to feel FOMO about it. “You’re not missing out if you prefer not to have sex. And you’re not missing out if you prefer not to opt into celibacy,” she says.
If you’re in a relationship, it’s important to have a proper conversation with your partner about your reasons for wanting to practice celibacy, and the mutual benefits you think it may provide. Listen to their response, any frustrations or hesitations they share, and go into the decision as a team. If you’re single, ask yourself why you’re really thinking about making this change, and what you hope to get out of it.
Once you’ve committed to giving celibacy a try, remember that you are ultimately in control of your own sexual decisions. You don’t need to answer to anyone else as to why or how you’re doing it, and the experience is what you make of it. “As long as celibacy aligns with your own sexual values, it is unlikely to negatively impact your libido or sex life, as both of these things can be regenerated with intention,” O’Reilly says. “Just as you can stop having sex, you can also decide to start having sex again.”
