by Brittany Beringer-Tobing
Elaborate fantasies. An embarrassing amount of rumination about the first time you met. Double (triple? Quadruple?) texting. However you experience it, nobody is safe from crashing out once your feelings for someone have fully blossomed. According to TikTok, the term “crashing out” has evolved to describe the unhinged feeling of acting completely out of character toward a crush or a new dating prospect. Seeing someone new can feel exciting and refreshing, but for some of us, there comes a point where those feelings are replaced by extreme insecurity and feeling like you’ve lost your damn mind — but have you, really?
Put simply, to “crash out” is to overreact over something that doesn’t necessarily warrant such behavior. Most of us have crashed out before. For example, you’ve probably lashed out to someone bumping into you at a festival when you’re fully aware that type of thing is par for the course. Or, maybe you have a meltdown over a minor inconvenience, like dropping your phone when you’re already having a bad day; you flail your hands in the air, groan dramatically, and scream into the void — you know, the kind of rage that you cringe with embarrassment looking back on days later.
By the same token, “crashing out” over someone can look a lot like momentary childishness. That’s because when romantic feelings are at the center, it’s an instinct to have all these feelings and nowhere to put them — so they go pretty much everywhere.
What Does It Mean to Crash Out Over a Man?
When you crash out over a man, you might engage in behavior you wouldn’t normally subscribe to or even condone. You might constantly reread your old texts, meticulously reading into every little “yeah” he’s sent, or obsessively check your Instagram story viewers to see if he’s seen how effortlessly cool and totally not obsessive you are. It gets to the point where you feel you’ve officially descended into madness — even though, on the surface, things are going pretty well and, “no,” you think to yourself, “they’re not doing the same embarrassing things you are.” And there you are again, repeating the crash out cycle.
What’s actually happening is a wave of anxiety that percolates in the beginning stages of forming romantic feelings or starting to care about someone sincerely — and it can happen to any responsible, self-aware, and well-mannered person. Maybe you’ve been dating for some time, but one day, something clicks in your brain that these feelings aren’t reciprocated or that you said or did something to make you lose aura points. Either way, crashing out is totally normal and, if anything, a testament to your investment in the relationship (or a desperate, internal plea that you need therapy to examine your attachment style. Hard to say!)
What Causes Crashing Out?
With the help of my therapist, I have a few working theories — none of which confirm insanity, thankfully. No, you’re not crazy for sending those risky texts, wearing his clothes to bed, or even triangulating the distance between your home and his (although I’d caution that some behaviors that violate privacy and boundaries are definitely not reasonable and should never be engaged). The reckless behavior you’re partaking in can have a number of totally reasonable responses. It’s like when you lash out at someone you love because you haven’t eaten yet — only you’re hungry for his attention and most of all, clarity within yourself and the potential of a stable relationship.
You’re unsure where you stand in the relationship
For one, your crash out could be a product of not knowing where you’re both at in terms of emotional reciprocity. The hangouts are nice, sexy even. There’s an obvious mutual attraction between you both and you enjoy spending time together — but is there more to it? Naturally, you’re being overtaken by the anxiety that tends to visit you at the starting line. Is he seeing other women? Does he actually like you? When will that dreaded talk about boundaries and *gasp* exclusivity happen?
The constant rumination and rereading of messages might be ways of your brain confirming that the feelings are there and haven’t changed. Even then, uncertainty can drive anyone into a state of despair. But when it involves someone you’re developing some ~serious~ feelings for, the stakes are even higher. You’re gauging whether someone is willing and able to work toward a stable relationship… or not. Who can blame you for spiraling?
It’s the trauma talking
Getting déjà vu is a strong case for a crash out. Whether you’re exhibiting behaviors of a former relationship gone sour, the person you’re involved with is showing similarities to an ex, or the relationship itself is feeling all too familiar, comparison can take you down a road of anxiety. When it gets to be too much, crashing out could even look like withdrawing from the relationship despite really liking the other person or the fact you’re typically one to give others the benefit of the doubt.
When your trauma takes over the driver’s seat, you’re basically surrendering what little control you have over the situation. That’s not to say you should throw caution to the wind and ignore red flags. Your anxiety can be productive in keeping you safe from being in a dark place. But a crash out is inevitable when you’re denying yourself grace and space for exploration (my therapist taught me that, FYI).
You’re insecure
Sometimes the call is coming from inside the house — aka you’re the problem. Walk with me here. As an anxiously attached person, I resonate with my insecurities being the reason I drive others away or screw up a good thing. Self-sabotage isn’t exclusive to the seemingly stoic, avoidantly attached folks. On the contrary, your insecure habits — the constant worrying, appetite for validation from a partner, and need-a-resolution-now mindset are often what keep you in a perpetual state of crash out.
Your intuition is actually warning you
One of the most obvious theories, and the one you probably don’t want to hear, is that you’re desperately grappling with the inevitability of finality. In other words, some or all of the aforementioned reasons apply, but because you really want it to work out, you’re coasting down the river of denial. It follows then, that your crash out is a product of your gut feeling begging to be seen, but the rest of your body is bargaining. If you can just hold on to that romantic gesture, reread those messages, or relive the first time you met one more time, maybe it won’t escape and live on forever — but it doesn’t really work out that way, does it?
Okay, so where do you go from here? If you were to ask my therapist, she might tell you that evaluation is key. Assess what you’re feeling. Is it fear, anxiety, dread, or something else? Next, identify where the feeling is coming from. Is it coming from a past relationship that left you for dead on the side of the road, figuratively speaking? Maybe you’re historically anxious in relationships.
Lastly, decide what to do about it. You could talk to him about it, clear the air, and nip the hard conversation about boundaries in the bud. Or, you could walk away, do some soul searching, or try again when you have a more mature grasp on dating or how to handle uncertainty in relationships.
It’s a harsh but liberating truth that, ultimately, you have a choice. As with all things, there’s always a potential for an ending — but whether this person is going to be your endgame or just someone you date for a summer can only be discerned over time.
In the meantime, enjoy the ride, or exit safely to your left.
